Less Chatter, More Vampire Wars!

Posted by Boo

This weekend, my movie choice was a futuristic vampire move called Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe.  I only had to read the first half of the first sentence of the plot synopsis to know this was a movie made for me. “In 2210, mankind has explored the space and found a vampiric menace…” Oh yeah. I’m in. And if that wasn’t enough, the little note on the back of the case stating, “Rated R for intense gore and violence” sealed the deal.

IMDB describes this films as “’Buffy’ meets ‘Star Trek’ in a ‘Mad Max’ world.” I beg to differ. I would describe it as “The-Director-Wanted-To-Wear-His-Movie-Influences-On-His-Sleeve”. Which results in a movie that looks like if Aliens mated with the original Predator and then that movie-baby mated with a vampire. From character personalities, to set design, to the camerawork, it was all very obvious what movies this film crew watches on the weekends. And they didn’t bother making any attempt to hide it. Our vampire killing team even uses these influences to label their types of vampires: Vorhees, Leatherfaces…and let me tell you, folks, the “Leatherface” vampires don’t disappoint.

There are some noteworthy actors in Vampire Wars, which is also known as Bloodsuckers. There is Joe Lando, who some of you might remember as Jane Seymour’s hunk of burning love from the TV series Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Personally, I never watched the show (snore), but Lando spent several seasons on the show before Vampire Wars, and therefore it is noteworthy.

We also have Dominic Zamprogna, who spent a couple of years as a recurring character on Battlestar Galactica, and as of 2009 has had a steady career on the daytime soap Guiding Light.

Then there is the ever endearing Michael DeLuise, whom I know best as one of the camera crew for Wayne and Garth in the ever hilarious Wayne’s World movie. But Michael also played a younger version of his older brother, Peter, in several episodes of 21 Jumptstreet.

But what seems to surprise most viewers of this film is the presence of Michael Ironside. My hubby remembers the guy from the 1981 flick, Scanners (which I still have yet to see, by the way – I know, shame on me!). The name isn’t familiar to me, but looking through his resume on IMDB, this guy has kept busy. From Scanners to Total Recall, to Free Willy, to voiceovers in the Splinter Cell video games, this guy has his finger in lots of pies.

And then there is the real star of this film, the one where every review I read has nothing but gushing words to say about them – or their skimpy outfits. And that is Natassia Malthe. Malthe’s IMDB resume isn’t so noteworthy to me, but she was in the 2006 werewolf movie Skinwalkers, which I’ve heard was decent. But really, judging from the drooling IMBD posts I’ve read, Malthe could be famous for Depends commercials and there would still be mass amounts of horny boys, and some horny girls, overloading YouTube as they try to get a glimpse of this beauty in a pair of adult diapers. Malthe as Quintanna was my favorite “good guy” character in the movie. She wasn’t the greatest actress in the film, but obviously enjoyed playing her Underworld Selene-esk type of character, and it was actually kind of endearing, to be honest.

I’d summarize the plot for you, but in all honesty, it was unnecessarily intricate, too many pieces and too much drama between too many sets of people. I became lost halfway through the movie. But that’s okay, because I didn’t need any real sense of plot to enjoy the villainous, savage, and homicidal vampires this movie gave me. Every single actor that played a vampire put their heart into the role. They went balls out, weren’t afraid to come off as silly, and even seemed proud to be in this TV movie piece of cheese, and it resulted in some very campy, but creepy vampires.  

Michael Ironside, who played Muco, one of the top vampires, was no exception. While some online reviews claimed he embarrassed himself by appearing in this movie, I disagree. I thought his character was witty, amusing, and executed with a level of esteem that brought some credibility to the film. Yeah, he was surrounded by amateurs, but he certainly didn’t let that stop him from giving a rock star performance.



Phleg is one bad ass vamp, dude.



My favorite vampire character, though, goes to Phleg, played by David Palffy. My fellow X-Files nerds will remember Palffy as season four’s Dark Man in the episodes “Max” and “Tempus Fugit”. Phleg is a smarmy prick of a vampire, willing to go to any lengths to save his own ass. My favorite kind! And Palffy played it perfectly. I liked it so much I think Phleg should get his own spin-off movie. Maybe even his own reality TV series!

My main criticism of Vampire Wars is its failure to deliver on any kind of coherent plot. It’s another situation where our director, Matthew Hastings, maybe too immersed in his own work to see it, missed the mark on what the movie’s strengths and weaknesses were. The action, the gore, the witty banter between our heroes and villains – those all worked for me. But then we’d take detours into the personal lives of our heroes. Messy relationships, misunderstandings, lots of petty bickering. Petty bickering which was doled out so passionately in one scene, but then so easily forgiven in the next with mundane words and pointless actions. And then a few scenes later, we’re right back to passionate, petty bickering again. It was all very schizophrenic.

Overall, the vampires in Vampire Wars are what makes this movie most enjoyable. This originally aired on the Sci-Fi network (before they changed it to that stupid SyFy logo), and I was proud that the filmmakers did not skimp on the gore. Some of these SyFy made-for-TV-movies are a little too timid with their gore and violence, attempting to cater to more mainstream masses. But really, let’s be honest, what Suzi Homemaker or Average Joe is sitting down on a Saturday morning to watch Vampire Wars on SyFy? These people are more into drivel like The Artist and The Tree of Life. It’s nerds like us, the ones that love horror and science fiction – and maybe even go so far as to get an X-Files tattoo – that are even bothering to give a move like this a chance.

So, goddammit, Syfy, cater to us!